A friend sent me a link to a message board listing the top 50 worldwide best selling albums of last year.  He doesn't follow popular music as closely as I do, and as I suspected he was unfamiliar with many of the recordings, I thought I'd share my thoughts on the list with him.

I'll share those same thoughts now with you:

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium 6.014.625  
I never got what every single girl I have ever known thought was such a big deal about them.  Still don't!

Soundtrack - High School Musical 5.667.400
Rad!

Justin Timberlake - FutureSex / LoveSounds 4.469.850
Everyone kept telling me how great “Sexyback” was, but it still sounds to me like R2-D2 fucking C-3PO in the ass at the library.

Rascal Flatts - Me And My Gang 3.830.225
Such an annoying band name tells me exactly what they sound like without my ever having to suffer through a note.

Pink - I'm Not Dead 3.552.875
I actually bought this, hoping the "behind the scenes" bonus DVD might show more of her boobs than you almost see in the one video.  It doesn’t.

Nelly Furtado - Loose 3.471.175
Always fun when pretty girls have big hits about how great it is to be a whore.

Beyoncé - B'Day 3.346.475
I saw some paparazzi pictures of her with a bikini wedgie from when she was getting out of a swimming pool somewhere in the South of France, and her ass is spectacular.

Andrea Bocelli - Amore 3.264.775
Swarthy blind Italians inclined to song used to have to shake a cup to make a living at it, and you can be sure no one was offering them duets with a bunch of “nu-jazz” assholes. Here's to progress!

Evanescence - The Open Door 3.214.250
I am pretty sure they love Jesus.  Also they are always very upset about something.

Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere 3.155.125
Did you know their huge hit single is basically an off cut from an obscure spaghetti western soundtrack c.1968 they added a clap track to and rapped over?  True!

Snow Patrol - Eyes Open 3.116.425
Don't know it.

The Beatles - Love 3.062.675
You know, I have mixed feelings about the Beatles, but this is absolute shit.  I have heard it and it is awful.  But certainly it is exactly the kind of thing that should be played to accompany leotard-wearing French circus performers.

Christina Aguilera - Back To Basics 2.993.875
Remember Lou Bega, "Mambo #5"?  What I heard of this made me think he has embarked on a new career as a very troubled anorexic white woman.

Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way 2.992.800
I'm glad they mouthed off about the bullshit war, but they’re still cheesy pop stars who make awful music.

Rihanna - A Girl Like Me 2.985.275
She samples "Tainted Love" in her hit single and it's very catchy, but that's not enough to explain this kind of success.  Or in 2006, maybe it is!

Jack Johnson - Sing-A-Longs & Lullabies For 'Curious George' 2.745.550
Does this have "Do Your Balls Hang Low?" or "Diarrhea" on it?  That kind of sing-a-long?  If so, count me in!

Corinne Bailey Rae - Corinne Bailey Rae 2.698.250
I find her very sexy, so I'll refrain from comment.

Tool - 10,000 Days 2.597.200
If I want this kind of thing, I'd rather support the Cookie Monster singer guys who think they are still Vikings and get arrested for killing and eating one another.

The Killers - Sam's Town 2.539.150
I preferred the first album - the one that sounded like INXS in 1983.

U2 - 18 Singles 2.270.400
Coincidentally enough, I think I stopped paying attention just about 18 singles ago!

Panic! At The Disco - A Fever You Can't Sweat Out 2.245.675
Never heard them.

Scissor Sisters - Ta-Dah 2.216.650 
It's kind of funny how when no one wants to listen to Elton John's new records, he has to get attention by going in the studio with a group that is pretty much remaking all his old ones and selling in the millions.  

Keane - Under The Iron Sea 2.179.025 
Haven't heard it but apparently the main guy is a drunk.  

Arctic Monkeys - Whatever The People Say I Am... 2.128.500  
Stole this from a download site but have been too busy listening to other things to hear it.

Fergie - The Dutchess 2.125.275
There has been a good deal of speculation on the internet as to her true gender, and it is there that I have seen at least one picture of her in performance where she appeared to have pissed herself.

Bob Dylan - Modern Times 2.122.050
It's a good record, I like it.

Il Divo - Siempre 2.105.925 
Christopher "Dracula" Lee recently said he thinks they're the tits.  And he loves opera!

Hinder - Extreme Behavior 2.103.775
Who is this?

Ne-Yo - In My Own Words 2.072.600 
I can't even imagine the kind of words "Ne-Yo" is using to express his feelings.

Soundtrack - Hannah Montana 2.053.250
Sounds like a bad porno, but she's somebody famous's little sister, I think

Muse - Black Holes & Revelations 1.964.025
My brother sent me a copy of this.  I only played it once, but it sounds like something you’re listening to on one of those amusement park rides where you sit in a little car that drives really really fast in circles then stops short and does the same thing backwards.

Bruce Springsteen - We Shall Overcome 1.912.425
Dood, it's the Boss!  Still, no interest.

T.I. King 1.908.125
Who the fuck is T.I. King?

The Fray - How To Save A Life 1.811.375
Never heard of them either, but the album title gets them my vote for Gayest Girl in Gayville.

Tony Bennett - Duets: An American Classic 1.808.150
You know, I don't dislike Tony Bennett, but I haven't heard a "duets" record worth a fuck since Tammy died.

Tim McGraw - Greatest Hits Vol.2: Reflected 1.772.675
Thank you, Tim McGraw, for a second volume of reminders of just how shitty country music is anymore!

Josh Groban - Awake 1.743.650
Have you ever heard this asshole? I saw one of his videos where he's belting out his bullshit on a mountaintop with his arms thrown out and singing to the heavens.  And that should tell you all you need to know about what he sounds like.

Josh Turner - Your Man 1.671.625
Bitch, I got a man!

Rod Stewart - Still The Same...Great American Rock Classics 1.626.475
"Hey, the ‘standards’ records did so well, what do you say we smooth some of the edges off of 'Missing You' and 'Still The Same'?" Just how shitty this is, you can only imagine.

My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade 1.585.625
I'm sure it would be way more my thing if I was a sad thirteen year old girl.  Or a very shy boy who thinks his eyeliner looks prettiest after he's been crying.

Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam 1.583.475
Fucking hell! Will they never go away?!?

Robbie Williams - Rudebox 1.570.575
I kind of like him for his old school "Mr. Showbiz" attitude.  But not enough to want to buy anything, or hear his record.

Soundtrack - Walk The Line 1.532.950
“Let's make a movie about the life and contributions of one of the most distinctive voices in American music, but instead of using the actual tracks that made him a legend, let's just have the actor just sing real deep in a Southern accent.  And then we'll put out a record of it!”

The Kooks - Inside In / Inside Out 1.509.300
Jingly jangly.  Disposable, but I like it alright.

John Mayer - Continuum 1.507.150
Make records like this, and you too can get your hands on Jessica Simpson's giant blonde tits!

Akon - Konvicted 1.452.325  
Is he "Akon" as in an ebonic version of "Acorn"?  Is that the deal?  Figuring out rap names is like Soduko for people who suck at math!

Jay-Z - Kingdom Come 1.425.450  
Would you believe, I have never heard a single Jay-Z track in my life?

Take That - Beautiful World 1.391.050
This is a perfect example of the kind of shit we’ve never heard of that everyone else in the world just can't get enough of.

Alan Jackson - Precious Memories 1.383.525 
Memories every bit as precious as a skinny gay Marlboro man can make them.

James Morrison - Undiscovered 1.382.450
This isn't the Lizard King returning to us as so many believed he one day would, is it?  Because if it was I think I would have heard about it!

I won't make predictions for 2007, except to say that by simply tuning your radio to any station on the dial, you can hear for yourself that it's going to be another banner year for music!

copyright,  © 2007 Wyatt Doyle 

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