Todd snapped the eraser off the end of his pencil and threw it at Mitch, who was taking the first caffeine of the day.   The little rubber nipple bounced off the receiver of the phone on Mitch's desk and got his attention.

“Did you see Asian BBW looking for a REAL man?”  Todd asked.

“Looking for a real man is a total red flag,” Mitch noted as he opened up Explorer and joined him in the online personals.

“I'm an Asian Big Beautiful Woman looking for a real man," Todd read aloud, " and by that I mean a man who is man enough to go against the Hollywood illusion that only stick thin women are beautiful.  There are many beautiful thin women, but there are also many beautiful 'thick' women and there are many beautiful bigger women. Has the whole world been brainwashed? I'm not desperate, but finding a good man is hard .”

“Fair enough," Mitch said.  "That's it?”

“No, she has requirements.  I'm looking for: a man over 5' 10”. ” 

“I'm out.”

“Me too.  A man established in a professional career (please make at least 6 figures) .  Ouch!”

“Ouch is right!”  Mitch said, and took over the reading.  “ I am financially independent, with a thriving career and a solid income.  I hold a Master's in Psychology, which is also my chosen profession.  Uh oh.  Ding ding ding!”  Mitch said, going on to imitate the hooo-gah emergency claxon of a submerging submarine before continuing.  

“I'm somewhat old fashioned when it comes to dating, I believe the man should do the courting.” 

“That means you won't be getting any for awhile.”

“Hm.  I want a man who will foot the bill when we go out.  I shouldn't even have to mention this one, but considering the way some men are these days, I have to!”

“Well that's where your six figures will come in handy, for sure.”

“I want a man who will always find the time to make me smile at the end of the day.   I have to be rich, pay for everything, not get any AND make you smile at the end of the day?  Jesus Christ!  Why don't I just take your last name while I'm at it?   Why don't I just sign my checks over to you?”

Todd's eyebrows went up.

“Whoa!  Here we go: I want a man who has, and this is just me being honest, at least a 7" dick.   A small dick is a deal breaker with me because my pleasure is too important to me to have to rely on a dildo for the rest of my life.”

“Damn! What's the first date going to be like?  You show up with flowers and she shows up with a ruler?   She keep a tape measure in her purse?  Better come up with a cute name for that dildo, honey - sounds like you'll be together awhile.”

“Sounds like it.”

“Man, you pay for everything, get no pussy and size matters!  This woman is single-handedly taking all the advantages out of dating a fat chick!”   Mitch shook his head.  “This ad should have only three requirements.  One, that you are breathing.”

“…Without the assistance of machines.”

“Right, have to be breathing on your own.  Two, that you are not gay.”

“Better make that not totally gay.”

“Yeah, not super obvious.”

“Three…  I don't even know what three is!  Breathing and not obviously gay.   Take it and be grateful!”

“Damn!”

“Hey, I'm standing up for every man under five-ten who makes less than six figures and packs less than seven inches.   Fair is fair, life is tough enough for them.”

“Ha! Man, she is going to take some shit on the board for this.  Those wolves will eat her alive.”

“Please!  It's already begun.  Re: Asian BBW.  Only in Los Angeles – where even the BBWs are demanding!   Ha ha ha!  All you guys on the list who keep sending out pictures of your dicks, open fire!  The target is easily spotted from air or sea! ”

“Alright, they're already probably going too far.”

Mitch shrugged and took another sip from his coffee.

“Well she started it.”

copyright,  © 2006 Wyatt Doyle

for information on Wyatt Doyle's collaboration with Stanley Jason Zappa, STOP REQUESTED, click here.